Finding Comfort in Digital Perception

Explaining your interests and passions is difficult on the best of days.

 

Even now, when thinking of how to phrase my thoughts and write them out, I am reluctant to do it. The fear of scaring off the right words is imminent. What if I misrepresent myself?

 

If there is anything I've learned from my life thus far, it is the power of stories and perception. If I say to imagine a cup, will you see a glass or a mug? Maybe you won't see anything in your mind's eye, but  instead, you'll see the word "cup." It's very much a "signifier" and "signified" situation but with the added caveat of one's personal intention of what their created content comes across as has more subjectivity despite the surface of the creator's intention.

 

Regardless, I'll settle for explaining myself, and I hope it comes across well to you.  

 

You would think I would feel more comfortable with the pressure of creating with the experience and enjoyment of being an extrovert, as with presenting, for example. However, I find myself fretting—well, at least occasionally — when presenting in large crowds.

 

Something about making someone laugh, feel connected, better, invested, interested, or build a unified discussion drives me. I'm sure I'm forgetting. That, and much more

Despite my start, I have an odd sense of pride regarding my path. I started making content twelve years ago with the classic YouTube account. The account didn't turn out well, but I still tried.

Shockingly, spelling was not my specialty at this time. Nor was the realization that my username at the time might infer some odd 'interests.' Needless to say, that is not the case. My username was based on things I liked at the time, such as anime and foxes, and I figured I'd make a pun out of 'tale,' so the username is AnimeFoxtail. I was trying to figure it out. Who isn't a bit cringe at ten years old?

Today, the reception is better, but the pressure feels more present. Though I suppose that comes more with the territory of being an adult creating goofy jokes and having a larger audience. It's odd: When you know people who find your work, it feels more vulnerable compared to having complete strangers find your work.

This is one of the first photos I uploaded on Instagram. The quality is poor since I had to screenshot it, but it was taken from my phone about eight years ago when I started getting into photography. The photo is of the Rocky Mountains, one of the many I took when I was leaving British Columbia after I had mostly grown up there. I say mostly since I was still quite young in the grand scheme.

"But others opinions doesn't matter." You say.

 

Certainly, yet, for some reason, part of my mind speaks to me, saying I'm closer to others than I realistically am. By this, I see the opinions as of higher value because I naturally feel invested in others' interests, for the most part. I mostly like to learn, even if the subject is beyond me. Somewhat goes hand-in-hand with my  'generalist' skill set.

It's not anyone else's fault, but when you grow up moving around a lot, you grow used to not being in contact for months or even years to pick up where you left off with others. Unfortunately, not everyone finds themselves at that same perspective, so seeing someone depart that you haven't spoken to for quite some time feels odd. 

 

But I'm growing more into acceptance. I wouldn't call it self-actualization, but I would call it an unspoken understanding. I've known people to apologize for departing from others' lives. There's no need for that. Of course, there is the circumstance to do so if you've left on poor terms. I know I've done that plenty of times. I'm more than due to provide an overwhelming amount of apologies, albeit for "doing too much," not doing enough, or simply not communicating correctly. That haunts me less than it used to, fortunately. But as for anyone, your regrets are often attached to pieces of you. However, I feel more comfortable with where I am and progressing.

 

So what about these hobbies that you wish to turn into careers? That's the whole point of where I'm going with this, anyhow. Getting over the perceptions of others and pursuing your path regardless of judgments that may or may not even exist. For example, if you're a firefighter, you don't have to sweat others perceiving your work... Well, unless you kill someone, but that's not my point. On a day-to-day basis, creative work has to be seen to determine its value when it comes to the type of material I like to create. That's not the same for all creative work, of course. But my intention with making it is to connect with an audience.

Some examples of connection with such an audience. Some members being 'regulars' others being one-off comments.

But I often find myself held back in creating by seeing one follower go down or not receiving as many likes. This is ridiculous, of course. Do things for yourself. And even though I'm still trying to figure out what kind of content I ought to make on each platform, I figure I'll still just fire off content of whatever I feel like because I'm doing it for me.

 

One of my TikToks about photography

So now, I feel like I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm surrounding myself with more like-minded folks. Even those who might not feel as like-minded are at least supportive, and that's the imperative to growth I'm happy to be part of.

Eventually, I'll likely start posting more on Instagram in similar ways to how I post on TikTok. After posting four hundred videos, I've noticed a slight, albeit slow, growth. Even though I still deleted just over one hundred of those videos because I decided I didn't like them. I'll still take that in stride and hope to see a continued understanding of my passion for laughter and creating interesting content through photography and jokes. After all, that's where my passion for Content Design comes from. 

So, I suppose this is more of a formal declaration to myself than anything, but it is also proof of commitment to 'the bit' of what I'm doing. 

While everyone is constantly privy to the faults and mistakes made so immediately and publicly, I hope that it is at least somewhat apparent that there is growth beyond those things.

See you next time,

Michael

P.S. I am in the midst of writing my cafe reviews and stories among, many other forms of content. There will be no shortage soon enough.

Here's a visual taste;

 

One of the local cafes I went to in Los Angeles's Sawtelle area was quaint and had a well-worn warmth to it. I met a few helpful locals here before meeting up with a friend.